I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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