Will you blow on my dice?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
