he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
