I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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