Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
