all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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