his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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