like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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