the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
