i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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