i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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