Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
