Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
