I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize