Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
