My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
