Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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