Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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