tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize