I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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