it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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