I didn't shave. On purpose
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
