So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
