I just cut my nipple shaving
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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