this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
