wrigley field is MILF paradise
you guys were way drunker than both of me
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
