In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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