Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
