I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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