Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
