Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
