Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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