Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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