You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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