Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
