My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
