Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
