everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
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