I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
