i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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