just tell him i said nine months
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Randomize