I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize