I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
