I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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