so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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