I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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