my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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