I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
