i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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