There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm too high and old for this...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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