I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
