Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I supernannyed him into submission
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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